Aku faham gusarmu,
Sepi kamu sendiri.
Maafkan aku, kekandamu.
Kerana tiada di sisi,
Aku juga pernah melalui,
Sepertinya tangis ini berbekas lagi,
Jalan yang kita pilih ini,
Tiada manusia yang menjamin,
Melainkan dia yang Esa,
Yang Maha Hidup,
Yang Maha Mendengar,
Tempat mencurahkan segala kesal,
Doa yang tiada bertepian.
Disebalik esak tangis di penghujung malam,
Menjadi pemimpin itu bukan mudah,
Kita ini Hawa',
Kamu kuat, adinda,
Mungkin kita tidak akan lama bersama,
Medan di luar menggamit masa,
V5J (2029, 19 Mei 2016)
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
There's just a couple of days before my Senior Year kickstarts. Haven't really brush off the internship bug, I found my HSE colleague amiss. Despite the high living cost, I kinda miss the simplicity of living there, as an intern. It is peaceful there and the idea of being able to make mistakes and to learn from mistakes, is just intriguing.
Not really sure whether I'm just overthinking or it's the habit inside, I keep seeking for my purpose of living. Yes, Allah has stated in Az-Zaariyat about our role as a caliph and in another verse, as an abid . It's there, clearly written.
But as a typical human, I just can't help but to keep seeking the reasoning of living, to answer these unanswerable questions.
Am I doing the right thing?
What the future has in store for me?
Have I been a good daughter?
Can I make it till graduation?
Can I survive after graduation?
What can I do more?
Have I impacted the society I'm living in?
and the list goes on.
This also includes the shivers coming from the idea that people will simply judge us from the numbers in our CGPA, without even flinching on our vision and dreams, what we really want to do. The world is cruel outside, and I am here minute under the shadows of the giants. Yes, the uncertainty is chilling. This is where we seek for His blessings and mercy, to open doors of sustenance and to make all obstacles manageable.
I'm seeking for hope.
Every sliver of light that may ignite the soul inside, to keep me moving.
He knows how terrified and hopeful I am, for the ticking clock that shall move obediently, until the end of time.
Ya Allah, you know we more than I know myself, do not let me be in full control of myself, for it's You who knows best.
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