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Internal Confession #1

Coming in terms with it, I realized that I wasn't ready.
The act of making me wait for 16 weeks w/o reason is unacceptable. Yet I'm searching for the wisdom that lies behind it.
A good friend used to ask " How can you bear with it? , you don't even look sad"
I'm not sure how I should react, plus the maintained "cool" facade that I always got had made me seemed unwavered by his gesture.
I should cry
Maybe I should
For this seemingly strong iron lady does have her softer, weaker side.

It's ok
This week has been a ride of tasks/meetings. Lot's of it.
As if Allah is telling me to stop thinking about it for a while.
Yeah, I got tonnes of things to do. :D
Need to put on my cape and save the city of Gotham sometimes ~

About death
My friend's dad passed away last weekend. It was so sudden, yet she managed to spend 2 days by his side, Alhamdulillah.
She is strong, stronger than me. Stay strong Azfar, for Allah never burdened us more than what we can withstand.

On our way to visit Azfar's family in Kelantan,
I have been warned (some sort of anticipated actually)
That the road I'm taking, the path I'm joining, the extrovert-ness I'm showing
I won't be the first choice of many
May not be the second choice either

I'm not the typical "muslimah solehah" that people craved for.
I have my vision, my dreams, my aims to change the society
As long as what I'm doing is within the boundary of my religion, then what's the point of killing my passion ?
Humans are selfish, undeniably
We want the easiest way
We demanded most of the time, wanting for perfection
Yet in the end, we refused to accept and change the flaws embedded deep within.

Sayang sekali,
Kita berikrar dengan mereka yang hanya peduli tentang keistiqamahan diri mereka sahaja.
Yang berdegar-degar meminta kita untuk terkehadapan.
Tetapi tidak berani menerima cabaran dan perubahan.
Kecewa ?
Moga masa depan memberi penawar. 
Masa kini, biar aku tunaikan tugasku dahulu.
Aku masih cuba memahami bicaraMu, Tuhanku.
Sesungguhnya Engkau tidak pernah mengecewakan, tempat aku berharap dan meminta pertolongan.

DOA - Chairil Anwar
kepada pemeluk teguh

Dalam termangu
Aku masih menyebut namamu

Biar susah sungguh
mengingat Kau penuh seluruh

cayaMu panas suci
tinggal kerdip lilin di kelam sunyi


aku hilang bentuk


aku mengembara di negeri asing

di pintuMu aku mengetuk
aku tidak bisa berpaling


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