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Di Mana Dia di Hatiku?

Bismillah, blog ni agak lama bersawang..haha. Life has been quite challenging these last few days. It's week 12 in UTP! Alongside the tests, assignment,  quizzes and whatnot, this sharing is a really good reminder.



 "Semua benda payah." Desis hati kecil.

Rasa nak..
Meraung sekuat hati.
Menangis berbaldi baldi.

Dulu.
Semua baik baik saja.

But then. 

Semuanya berubah.
Semuanya makin payah.
Semuanya perlu bergegas.

Aku LETIH.

Assignment berlambak. Quiz test quiz test. Tambah tambah dah nak dekat final. Tanpa paham konsep setiap subject. Dengan diri yang tak terurus. Hati ni. Sakit. Kosong. Everything is not fine. Fikiran hanya focus soal assignment, revision tutorial, project. Urusan dunia. Semuanya kacau bilau. Huru hara! Letih penat!

Aku fed up. Dan give up.

But then again.

I was looking through the windowsill. While the rain is pouring. Beautiful. Subhanallah. Ah! Malas nak melayan kerja yang berlambak atas meja. Pen di flip 360 darjah. Buku bersepah atas meja. Laptop dibiar habis battery sia sia.

Pandangan dihala ke luar tingkap.

"Mesti ada satu benda atau something lah yang buat kau jadi tak terurus macamni."

Berdesing telinga.

"And why don't you reflect yourself first before assuming others as wrong?"

Hangat. 

Pipi hangat dengan cecair jernih.

"Kau sebenarnya jauh dari Allah. Bukan Allah yang menjauh. Tapi kau. Kau yang menjauh. Kau yang letak tembok. Kau sendiri yang put a distance between kau dengan Allah in order to achieve kau punya mission kat dunia. Dunia SEMATA. you know what? Kau tak bersyukur. Lupa diri."

Dushhh.

And yes it's true. Sebabkan masa tak cukup dan terkejar masa nak study sampai tinggal tak baca langsung Quran? Sebabkan ada kelas straight berderet sampai lewatkan waktu solat and sampai kena qada' balik sebab tertinggal? OH! Sebabkan kepala semak dengan assignment and tugasan dari lecturer so lupa and lalai akan tugas sebagai khalifah kat dunia? Sampai lupa? HOW COULD I. ZALIM TERHADAP DIRI SENDIRI. Allahuakbar..

Nangis. Serious. 

N/p : don't forget Allah

"You're down and out.. you just can't cope.. You wanna shout you lost all hope.."

Yes..

"On your knees.. begging please.. You turn and pray to find your way.."

Tears..

"Hey.. you make doa.. Allah's there.. whoever you are cos He cares..."

And when He cares..

"Then you forget.. to say thankyou Allah.. you forget to say In shaa Allah.. You forget to say Subhanallah.."

Such ungrateful me..

"Lets flashback lets backtrack.."

Ya Rabbi.

Aku jauh dariMu. Sebab tu hidup aku kelam. Huru hara. Aku lalai. Dah lama tak baca Quran dengan hati. Dah lama tak boleh menangis bila dengar ayatMu. Aku lalai. Lalai sangat..

"Therefore remember Me (Allah), I will remember you. And be thankful to Me (Allah), and do not be ungrateful to Me (Allah)." AlBaqarah [152]

Sticky note ditampal ke board. "Kau daie dan juga mad'u kalau kau nak masuk Syurga. Be a true Muslim. Sejati." Tampal ke board. Sambil sengih. 

Allah tengah tengok aku. Allah lihat setiap usaha aku. Malu lah kalau aku sengaja buat buat lupa akan Dia. How could i. Berdoa minta Allah kabulkan permintaan tapi tak pernah nak please Allah sungguh2.

Dear myself,
Tolonglah berubah. In order to achieve Jannah. Seimbangkan urusan dunia dan akhirat. Dunia kita genggam. Akhirat kita peluk ketat ketat. Decide. Nak jadi macam mana.

To live well or hell, we choose.

Senyum. "Aku. Khalifah Allah. Aku. Dai'e dan insha Allah bersedia jadi mad'u"

Forgive and forget all harm that others have causedyou. Forgive as many times as you want allah to forgive you. Forgive me too then. Sengaja atau tak sengaja. May Allah bless.

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